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is this is good start to my story!?

This isn't the whole chapter 1 just part of it. It's more of a girl book. I haven't edited it yet, so tell me what you think of it so far. Thanks. Sara Foxx shuffled through her Victoria’s Secret tote bag, in search of her big Chanel sunglasses. She lied on an outdoor lounge chair, and the hot sun rays hit her already tan figure. Sara slipped her sunglasses on and continued to relax. “Too much sun isn’t good for you, you know?” Kendra, Sara’s mother said, as she walked out of the French doors leading to their patio. Sara gripped her sunglasses and pulled them down to get a glance at her mother. “Last time I checked, you weren’t a skin doctor. Besides, I’m wearing sun screen.” Kendra shrugged and seated herself on the chair of their outdoor patio table, resting her legs on top of the table and flipping through a People magazine. Sara continued to tan in the hot sun. Her bright pink Coach bikini attracted attention. That’s the way Sara liked it--she liked to stand out. In fact, Sara was the most popular girl at BHS (Braxton High School) Which was why she stood out so much. She was in the tenth grade, fifteen years old, had many friends and a BHS star football player boyfriend. She lived the fantasy teenage life. One that any girl dreamed to have. Just then Sara heard a soft vibration in her bag. She pulled out her LG Voyager cell phone to see that a text message was displayed on the touch screen. ALEXIS: damn, girl. Look at THIS! :D Sara questioned her best friend’s message, and waited for her to pop out of nowhere (something that Sara could imagine an enthusiastic girl like Alexis doing) Instead she received a picture message, and what she saw made her burst out laughing. Kendra stared at Sara as if she were crazy. A picture of Sean, Sara’s boyfriend of three months was put to view on the screen. He was streaking down the street with his friends in Alexis’s neighborhood. The picture showed Sean’s bare butt and back side as he streaked with all of his friends--mostly the BHS football team. Uncontrollable laughter burst out of Sara and she quickly text back. SARA: LOL! Why couldn’t this be in MY neighborhood! ALEXIS: U have one ca-razy boyfriend, Sara. Sara threw her cell phone back in to her tote with a smile on her face. I do, don’t I? she said to herself. The sun hid behind a tree in the distance. Sara sighed and got up to go inside of her luxurious mansion. Sara’s father, Luther, was a successful lawyer who provided him and his family with only the best. An in-ground swimming pool, tennis court, home theatre, best brand-name clothes and jewelry, and to say the least--anything Sara’s heart desired. On the other hand, Kendra liked to call herself a: “Stay at home Mom” taking care of Sara’s younger brother, Aaron, even though their family had more than enough money to pay for daycare, or a nanny. Kendra had no intention of getting a job, and their family didn’t need more money than their $600,000 yearly income. The story is about a rich snobby girl, who's actions backfire on her, permenantly. It has a great lesson at the end! I'm 13 by the way. i shouldn't have to repeat myself again... but for the people's sake AKA "..." DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE SPELLING/GRAMMAR, ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS IF YOU LIKE THE PLOT! THANKS.

Public Comments

1. It sounds okay now but I'm wondering what type of plot you could put in there. Good job so far :]
2. Grammar is horrible, need to change words around, does coach even make hot pink bikinis?, and altogether a poorly written, knock off clique novel.
3. at your age, you have the potential to become a great writer. the start of the story is okay but maybe you can add more adjectives to your words to make the story more interesting and realistic.
4. Straight to Hell, then. Never post before editing. Do something about the repetition, you keep on repeating her name, over and over again... Also, vary the sentence structures. If you have no idea what I mean: She sat up and stared. That's what you use. Staring, she sat up. Sitting up, she stared. Or Bewildered she sat up. It's a bad example but you'd get my point. Sara Foxx shuffled through her Victoria’s Secret tote bag, in search of her big Chanel sunglasses. She lied on an outdoor lounge chair, and the hot sun rays hit her already tan figure. Sara slipped her sunglasses on and continued to relax. Sara's in the tote bag, then? If not I'd say: Sara Foxx fished her dinner plate sized sunglasses out of the tote bag. Moving no more than the necessary, she slipped them on and turned to face the sun. One could never have enough tan, she thought. The names just make the sentence hard to read. Oh yes, Channel is spelled with two Ns, even I hater of fashion respect names :D. Also, every line of dialog is on a new...er, line. Like: "What?" "You heard me!" she screamed. "Don't you talk to me like that, girl!" Get it? Instead of telling us she is ultra rich, SHOW us. Instead of listing all of that fancy crap int he last paragraph write how she walks past them: The slide door clicked and she strode down the corridor imagining it were a catwalk. She stopped, posed and gave an imaginary photographer the Sexy Variant B look she'd learned last week. "Bang bang!" screamed Aaron. "Ugh... Get lost, you newt." "What's a newt?" If the door was a person, it would've melted by now, she thought. "Go play in the pool or the tennis court... And don't bug me!" She'd always wondered why the little monkey didn't get a nanny or daycare... Or a cage. After all, they were perfectly budget-able. Your plot is quite nice, I like the idea of "revenge". But I'd say you should write with a hint of sarcasm or Irony.... Remember not to stuff so much information down the first chapter, it would backfire on YOU very miserably when it comes to readers. Reveal everything through dialog and actions, not by telling us. After all, you're not writing an encyclopedia article. I hope. http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/index.shtml This should be of help. Considering this might be your first novel ever I'd say you have talent. And at that age, even if it isn't your first, you've got potential. Repetition, add more adjectives, lessen the special little names, show us don't tell us, vary the sentence structures and make sure you keep practicing. And, really... Cut all the information... NEVER EVER NEVER stuff that much information down a first chapter. EVER.